The tears are dried and tons of tissue are used. Was it necessary or just a charade? Who was right me or you?
My colour is no longer red... a few tones lighter after the weekend from the house and problems. Maybe an escape was mentioned to venture out see the RIGHT COLOUR.
The pain still lingering within the walls of my soul. Am I so weak walking this earth? No.. i grow with pain shaping me into a much better person looking out thru the blurry glasses.
Woke up wore a pink pastel blouse showing the world that I am healing but spaces are required. Not seeing each other anymore did not work like magic as hoped. Turning him into a toad or a frog also failed since I was never taught the correct mixture of evilness.
Tears cried and surely... the apologies were utter to soften my heart which felt like screaming from the core... You are hateful, horrible and lots more. No I lacked the courage to say. All I did was... whispered gentle into the ears that YOU hurt me pretty bad and the scar in me is damaging to this impossible relationship.
Monday, 26 September 2011
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Part 2 of the red awakening
If red is associated to ANGER.. then i am trying to think of a colour to express my inner voice today.My inner voice said lets just pack, sell all my belongings and drive to the nearest place that I REALLY LOVE and start all OVER>
Wah! would anyone in the right mind do that?Would you? I asked myself last nite in tears.I calm myself by saying that is the very very angry monster in me waiting to be unleash.
When the sun greets me on the way to work, i much more calm maybe a hint of orange aura. At times when my students warm my heart with a sweet smile or at least do my work in class, my red fire starts to mellow bit by bit.On bad days like these.. I dress better making myself happy.Hoping that the red monster will slow turn blue...blue lighter blue then white.......CALM.
After a lovely breakfast of soya beans and green apples, I looked out of my room... beautiful tree with red flowers... so fresh and beautiful.Yet, the red monster is not at ease... WHY???? fights after fights no end no solution. Inner voice commented seek inner peace. INNER PEACE... i heard that in Kung Fu Panda 2...Do i really to take classes in Kung Fu?
Haha... my family would just rolled and died in tears of laughter if I should say that. They are so very good in twisting my words and ides which made me upset cos no one is taking the freaking mama seriously....
Wah! would anyone in the right mind do that?Would you? I asked myself last nite in tears.I calm myself by saying that is the very very angry monster in me waiting to be unleash.
When the sun greets me on the way to work, i much more calm maybe a hint of orange aura. At times when my students warm my heart with a sweet smile or at least do my work in class, my red fire starts to mellow bit by bit.On bad days like these.. I dress better making myself happy.Hoping that the red monster will slow turn blue...blue lighter blue then white.......CALM.
After a lovely breakfast of soya beans and green apples, I looked out of my room... beautiful tree with red flowers... so fresh and beautiful.Yet, the red monster is not at ease... WHY???? fights after fights no end no solution. Inner voice commented seek inner peace. INNER PEACE... i heard that in Kung Fu Panda 2...Do i really to take classes in Kung Fu?
Haha... my family would just rolled and died in tears of laughter if I should say that. They are so very good in twisting my words and ides which made me upset cos no one is taking the freaking mama seriously....
Unleash yourself
Why? Are we leashed to someone or something?
For me, I am leashed to gym and my feelings. The feelings are too much in ladies that I personally feel it clouds their mind and ability. Correct me if I am wrong. But as everyone grows, i deeply thinking that feelings are covered up .We keep everything inside waiting to explode like a bad relationship or even a bad boss that we wished that the mafia car could come and take him or her away to Nepal or even China. I would say fat hopes. Cos when the sun is up we live in the real world.
Hoe did I become a gym freak? many people and my students questioned me over this important issue.A long story in 1995. My weight was increasing with bad eating habits and a lazy life style. Cook, eat, go to work and watch telly. I basically think most ladies after having a family lived in this manner. My peak was a big 75 kg at only 35. I did not feel fat or unhappy. But when my spouse commented that my legs were as big as an elephant, it did hurt a bit. My male teacher casually said that my neck was unseen.
OMG..... a random guy said to me. Am I really that big?
The start of a gym freak
After a friendly help from a friend, I joined a gym to work out. It was REALLY tough running a treadmill that took me no way but like a fat hamster on wheels. At the beginning, I assumed running on a machine was KACANG. Old man and old aunties could do it, Why not me? My first attempted proved to be FATAL. A little after 5 minutes , I was dying and could not breathe. Oh boy, I was glad I kept on and on. Now, the machines do not scare me. I have tamed the lions of the jungle( I thought so)
Second phrase of gym
After a few kg, I was desperate.So started dumb bells. Are dumb bells dumb or vice versa?Had tips of doing this and that. Okay... i stared at guys with muscle that was so big .I wondered where do they buy them from?? My male friends from gym rolled their eyes when I bring out this issue. Pssss.. they still do.
For me, I am leashed to gym and my feelings. The feelings are too much in ladies that I personally feel it clouds their mind and ability. Correct me if I am wrong. But as everyone grows, i deeply thinking that feelings are covered up .We keep everything inside waiting to explode like a bad relationship or even a bad boss that we wished that the mafia car could come and take him or her away to Nepal or even China. I would say fat hopes. Cos when the sun is up we live in the real world.
Hoe did I become a gym freak? many people and my students questioned me over this important issue.A long story in 1995. My weight was increasing with bad eating habits and a lazy life style. Cook, eat, go to work and watch telly. I basically think most ladies after having a family lived in this manner. My peak was a big 75 kg at only 35. I did not feel fat or unhappy. But when my spouse commented that my legs were as big as an elephant, it did hurt a bit. My male teacher casually said that my neck was unseen.
OMG..... a random guy said to me. Am I really that big?
The start of a gym freak
After a friendly help from a friend, I joined a gym to work out. It was REALLY tough running a treadmill that took me no way but like a fat hamster on wheels. At the beginning, I assumed running on a machine was KACANG. Old man and old aunties could do it, Why not me? My first attempted proved to be FATAL. A little after 5 minutes , I was dying and could not breathe. Oh boy, I was glad I kept on and on. Now, the machines do not scare me. I have tamed the lions of the jungle( I thought so)
Second phrase of gym
After a few kg, I was desperate.So started dumb bells. Are dumb bells dumb or vice versa?Had tips of doing this and that. Okay... i stared at guys with muscle that was so big .I wondered where do they buy them from?? My male friends from gym rolled their eyes when I bring out this issue. Pssss.. they still do.
Red Hot Awakening
A bad nightmare. I was awaken in this bad nightmare. I felt like a victim loving someone so much yet losing the grip of the relationship.
The drama started felt so very trapped like a bird in a cage looking for an escape route. The view became blur after so long together.Tears rolled down begging for forgiveness since it helped the relationship when it wasn't my fault. I am the victim but I held on knowing that there is no happy ending in this nightmare. My soul left my body having the pain so heavy like the heart went into pieces.
After the tears and pain, no deny evil ideas and thoughts came to the mind... Hurt myself, cut him into pieces or even kill him.. Such bad karma in me.That was the evil me.... Anything is possible yet I kept all the pain and hid them somewhere in me. I even wanted to drive over my froggie on him not showed NO MERCY.
Thank God... all above mentioned was not carried out when the tears stopped and the sun came out. Another day should be much better. The head is clear. Is it?
The pain is there but a bit bearable in scale. Maybe I am a damaged goods from the humble beginning and too mentally trapped.
The drama started felt so very trapped like a bird in a cage looking for an escape route. The view became blur after so long together.Tears rolled down begging for forgiveness since it helped the relationship when it wasn't my fault. I am the victim but I held on knowing that there is no happy ending in this nightmare. My soul left my body having the pain so heavy like the heart went into pieces.
After the tears and pain, no deny evil ideas and thoughts came to the mind... Hurt myself, cut him into pieces or even kill him.. Such bad karma in me.That was the evil me.... Anything is possible yet I kept all the pain and hid them somewhere in me. I even wanted to drive over my froggie on him not showed NO MERCY.
Thank God... all above mentioned was not carried out when the tears stopped and the sun came out. Another day should be much better. The head is clear. Is it?
The pain is there but a bit bearable in scale. Maybe I am a damaged goods from the humble beginning and too mentally trapped.
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