Day 2 of KK

After TAMPARULI, i found my lodging for the nite in PUncak Bornoe Resort. A friend recommended the place. I did not think much of the place till you enter the restaurant. OMG..... the view is breathe taking... Mt Kinabalu right in your face... The rooms are expensive but you pay for the view.

I was told to wake up at 5.30 am to see the sunrise from the Mt. Faithfully, I did that failed to see the sun .

The view is like having this beautiful mountain at your door step.Awesome.

Breakfast at 7am. The sun is already so bright but freezing cold.

Carson Falls on my climb up . We were dressed warmly up but as the climb gets tougher, the sweater has to go. I did not complete the climb since we were not prepared mentally and physically for me. IT NO JOKE... the steps are tough but the weather is really cooling around 17C. My friend was yawning all the way up. To her, it was kacang.

Timpohon to Carson's Fall
Why am I dying here? My heart rate is high and sweating so much. The forest around was alive with birds singing and squirrels in the morning. Many porters carrying huge barang walked even faster than me. I told myself that if i were to carry the load.. I might just die here.

By the way, the porter is a male of 53 . This is the 12 water tank that he is carrying up in the month of Oct. I salute him with all my heart.We reached Pondok Ubi and decided to descend. Descending is tough on the knees. Then I really felt old.

Look at the steps. Be prepared.

Teluk Cempadak

On a dull weekend, I drove to Kuantan with my usual quiet friend. We decided to stay in a low key hotel away from town. Vivo hotel. Surprisingly, we were given a cosy room and a lovely bathroom.

Kota Kinabalu

A visit to the past of abt 44 years ago. My family and I were there briefly for two years. Sadly, when my dad died there in 1968, we left. So by going back was like opening an exposed wound. I think I was not prepared for this nostalgia.

Our bags to KK. I stuffed all my baju into a bag to save cost.

My new friend from KK.

I am truly surprised to see many changes in the town.My travelling friend warned me that KK is not that ulu as I thought it was. Right after the plane landed, we had to rush to collect my rented car. The Taxi driver was friendly. Next to our hotel for the night in Sadong Jaya near to the airport. We did extensive research on our lodging since we were on a small budget. The room was clean and only Rm 70. For dinner, we went to a nearby restaurant in Harbour city .. Kak Nong. I had a delicious bowl of meehoon soup with fish slices. Awesome due to the superb pedas chilli sauce which will have hot air from both sides of your nose. Then I had lime juice , nothing special but it came with assam boi. The taste rocked me. Now, I am hooked to this drink.

Meehoon soup with fish for RM 7.50

DAY 2
It gets quite bright here. By, 6am I found the day to be hot and started my journey again. The first place was Tamparuli  on the way to Tuaran. A small remote town with a beaytiful suspension bridge. People are friendly. Even the dogs use the bridge compared to road to cross the river. The sago kuih here is chewy and worth trying.

Notice how high the bridge.

Not long, I arrived Kundasang around noon. The kids were walking to school in sweater. Be prepared when the wind blows , it can get cold like Genting Highlands. I visited the Kundasang Memorial. The memorial is to commemorate the fallen soldiers in WW II. But, the place is like a garden with all the beautiful roses in different shades of colour from the usual red to white roses.

SETBACK

Setback in lifes are so common that we tend to blame everyone and everything. I am no exception to this. As years go by, i look at the big picture that God sent me small tests to make me a better mother, person and as a friend.

Looking back, I was not a good daughter too twisted in my marriage that I did not want to listen to advise. If I really really had, would life be better now? Surely , God will test me again in other aspects.Knowing that life comes on, I try to take these test and hope to come out a better person.

Being an educator after many years, i was calm and it took me an angel to touch me to realize that we need to learn from setbacks. We spend hours talking( I did most of it), the angel gave advise that opened my heart and soul to ponder that life is worth going on.

In exchange, we learnt to grow together from student- teacher relationship, we became friends. For me, I gain so much from a hot- tempered old woman to a calm teacher that took time to smile with my students. I even took nasty remarks with a smile. I handle such nasty people with a smile hoping that GOD will chew their ass off.( If that is possible,... Pls God).


After seven years, we are friends. My angel has graduated with an second- class upper. 

Freedom

Driven by the desire to create new possibilities in life, I am breaking out from a partnership of 26 yrs. Why did it take me so long?

For those who think badly of me, I offer no apologises. As I recall the 26 yrs of this union, I was never happy even from the beginning. Being  limited at home, it curb my happiness just a bird in a cage which refused to sing. Like a garden left unattended surely even weeds refused to grow .

In the darkest moment, I felt like taking my life away. Talking to friends did not help instead, I was laughed at . They did not understand my pain so twisted in my soul.I thought by sharing, they will provide a shoulder to cry on.They assumed that I brought problems to work and not mature enough to handle. No.. i didnot want their advise but ears. How fake they were. An experience which I regretted. As I moved on to new environment, I kept numb not telling much abt the failed marriage but It was bottled up. After so many yrs, I have grown to be a mature person handing my problems wisely ... a living proof that problems are better left at home.

In 2012, i pray to God that I will lead a happier life leaving him, the house and starting ALL over by myself.

Shifting out

Omg... I have been staying in this hse for nearly 30 decades. Moving out is my choice of trying to be independant so call to start all over. I have been the sole bread earner to my kid which many people failed to understand me including my family. I have played my part of an obedient wife from washing, cooking and even having a baby 23 yrs ago.

I have thrown all my remorsity out the window with all the shed tears leaving me a damaged goods that refused to look deep into my soul. As the age increases, so did the patience to wait for the kid to move on with her life leaving the nest to another country trying out her luck. I gave all my blessing knowing that I cannot tie her round me. The bird has to fly high and soar seeking new experience.

I am thankful on days that she calls home reminding that she still loves me , thinking of me. My life has to go on. I want fresh start away from all the old memories. From a hse of 4 rooms to a small condo with 2 rooms should be a nightmare to any human on earth. I will struggle to manage the packing all my memories into boxes. Mostly, I want to be on my own since many many times in these years, I have been called not so good names by him from a bitch to a WHORE. To make the matter worse, He even said to my family members that I am equal to a Geyland WHORE. No, i took many deep deep breathe and told myself to rise higher than him. He is not worth my love.Despite all the bitterness, in the depth of my heart, I felt like saying that all the money you have in the world, you will grow old alone. No money will be able to buy my love again what the respect that I had.

Bitterness are still lingering within the walls of my soul. Time will wash away all these remarks. I will hold my head high and remind myself that I have done good.AMEN......

Next Epic sage of my disappointment journey

Thank God, I saw the sunshine on my way to work. My phone rang last nite. I pretended that I have gone deaf not wanting to talk of this disappointment. Such pain that I will keep in me not telling HIM OFF!(psss... fingers showing are not allowed)

I am such a doofy keeping inside like a dam waiting to explore.

Great disappointment

So sad that on your 50th day, the person who is close to my heart felt that work was much much greater than spending the day with me.

I am speechless till now trying my best not to show the hurt. Okay.. its just any ordinary day but turning 50 is a BIG deal to me. How I wish that I am able to slap the daylights out this person. If I could.. trust me I WILL do it.
Thank god.... tomorrow the sun will be up and I tell myself that what goes around come around.

Maybe I should face the fact that MAYBE I am NOT that important .

Counting candles

Coming Thursday, the candles will be too much for the cake to bear. What more me who have to blow all them away. How I wish that I could blow all the pain and suffering that I am going through. My wishful thinking. Maybe I should learn to be grateful that there are more candles to blow and having loved ones nearby.

In a puff, ( A BIG ONE) the candles diminished then my heart will say ... pls let this day pass fantastic fast like a speed car in a hot race. Then I will embrace myself by reminding me ... come on it is just an increasing number but with a little help maybe. just maybe I will try to slow it down .

Bohemian

I am trying this new word to explain the metamorphosis of my teaching career from 1985 till today .Teaching was not my choice at all when I started my degree in University Malaya. The four years were filled with disco crazy days to cramping for exams.Looking back now, I would never never trade in those wild days to anything now.
In my first year, stayed in First College. Mingled with many new friends from all over Malaysia. Having crushes on guys were nothing new. Eating maggie mee in the middle of the nite after studies were awesome.Sitting in the quiet night with girlfriends chit chatting away was fun and cheap since mamak shops have not existed then. Picking up bad habits were cool from nescafe , bad words and smoking were  trying. New friends were made in those years moving a gang. The whole gang of us majored in maths. Good days were spend on lunch time laughing away . There were days that shoulders were required when hearts were broken into pieces. We needed each other so far away from home.

Boys... boys... some started dating guys that you like but he does not like you. Admiring good looking ones from a distance too shy to even say hello.Fell in love and out of love too many times.

My first  teaching school was in my hometown. After being alone for more than 4 years, I stayed with my family. It was tough since I was so free doing what I like and NOW cooped in my small hometown. It actually made the decision worse.My inner happiness were compromised. I wanted to move on. The first school was relaxing and had fun with kampung students. I enjoyed mine one year there in Pasir Mas.

Next was teaching in Klang and having a family.The school was a Chinese medium.My students were hard working and good. Since I am totally English educated and teaching Maths and English were nightmares. My students assumed that since I am yellow.. therefore I am able to speak Mandarin. Oh boy.. they were shocked that I could only managed TWO languages: English and Malay. One day, my form 5 boy walked right up to me and asked~ Are you a Chinese? Right in my face. 'Why can't you speak Mandarin?'. I was too shocked yet the truth hurt like being hit by a BIG brick. I don't recall if I apologised but I took it as a challenge to learn from anyone to speak. It took quite a long time to get the hang of it . 


Today, I am proud to say that I can speak a bit here and there with a bit of twist.


After 6 years in Chinese environment, I moved to a culture shock background of a kampung school in Meru. Where is that? A small cowboy town 11 km away with many traffic lights.I spent 14 yrs teaching English then later moved to Maths.Back then, Meru was a small town moving on with lovely trees along the stretch leading to the small traffic light. My school was after a shabby bridge waiting to collapse at a blow.Teaching English to Javese students were like speaking moon language to aliens. Slowly, I learnt their culture and religion. Mostly, I picked  up my Malay and Javese. Now, I know how to use the word GOBLOK. According my student who uttered this in my English class.' Sorry teacher... Goblok mean CLEVER'. OMG! I still smile whenever I use this word.Things that we learnt from them.

In 2005, still in Meru, I was giving 4F to teach Maths. A class of 38 boys and girls which did badly in Maths in PMR. Oh boy, i had to prepare them for SPM where Maths is even tougher and boring.Some of the boys came to school with rage, anger growing up in a hostile situation. Giving me more stress to handle them yet at the same time, I started to grow internally understanding students and learn to listen to them.

Crossed Path in Meru
In the hey days of a troubled marriage, my students drifted in and out of my class since I was trying to come to term of a failed marriage . Then one particular soul walked into my class and CHANGED me till today.


This student failed so badly in my test leaving me so many questions to gun him down.On my way home after the gunning down, i was caught in a jam in Meru. While driving I saw a boy trying to cross the road. I said to myself where have I seen this FACE?
After a few days, while in 4F, I saw the face again. I exclaimed to him.. I saw you in Meru. In my heart, I was angry with myself that I don't recognise my own student. I am TERUK>. All these time , he was actually sitting in 4F right under my nose.

 I took him under my wing. Making him stay back after school, trying basic maths. I struggled to help him to improve his maths with a goal in mind that he will make in university. Yet, he lacked the basic skills of maths. Homework is given but the next day, it is untouched. He struggled to follow my rhythm, so I had to slow down and followed him. There were good days that he could do but on bad days, I felt like chopping up the brain to pieces to see what was in it.

To him it was a battle having his feeling in a BIG cocoon which I had to peel by sitting next to him afternoons after afternoons guiding him from easy calculus to SPM questions. Day in and out, he ate more maths questions compared to anyone on this planet. Bravo.. He scored A2 for his SPM. Continued his studies in UPNM. Just last Monday , he graduated with a Second Upper.As his Maths teacher, I am still very proud of him.Keep it Adi!

 Currently, I am teaching a girls school in Klang. Most of the girls are nice. Along the way, you will get one or two odd ones but I have accepted them.Since, I myself too evolved from a terrible teacher to be a better listening to my kids. I learnt to laugh with them in happy moments and cried in my darkest times in class. In 2009, I broke down in my class, crying my heart away. My girls gave a packet of tissue paper and closed the doors. they sat in their places with no noise sensing that the poor teacher needed time.


In the same year, a girl accidentally threw a shotput into a my face leaving 2 stitches in the Stadium. A girl in random gave a small handkerchief to stop the blood. I did not have the chance to thank the random stranger. The handkerchief is still kept in my room. Reminding me that it is tough to be a teacher but there are good days leaving foot prints in my heart.

50

No... I am not turning 50 soon. I am too young to be called an auntie. My hair and my body are in good condition.. I sound like a car.

My closest friend said that I am half a century .. so old. I have to agree when I am unwell or too tired.My inner feelings of 50 is like a fruit salad.. a sweet dish consisting of small pieces of different life experience from childhood to adulthood.Marriage came and went... so very fast. I will have tons to write
but at fifty, i choose to see goodness in every possible situation which allowed me to have inner strength and joy.I am trying my best to be at heart of who I am.

I have LEARNT:
a) to spread kindness and smile

b) Be WHO I am REALLY.

c) Enjoy what i am doing in gym and Zumba. YIPEE!

d)Try my best NOT to Dwell on the past of unhappiness.

e)Try not to harbour grudges and find  a way to move forward( SUSAH LO)

In conclusion... turning 50 is tough but I think all the bullshit is gone... I will embrace it with an open heart and mind.

Part 4 Red awakening

The SCAR

I must say that I find it so very difficult to forgive but I just bury the pain down in. The danger: words are left unsaid causing more pain.

How ever the other party tries his best to soften my heart from going to Malacca to eat my fave chendol and assam fish, i cannot move on. Easy to say but action is tougher .....TRUST ME.

Why is that woman finds it so difficult to move on? Picking up all the small pieces of pain and frustration is not healing but hiding all the agony. Without fail, I tell myself to be strong when the sun is up.