The tears are dried and tons of tissue are used. Was it necessary or just a charade? Who was right me or you?
My colour is no longer red... a few tones lighter after the weekend from the house and problems. Maybe an escape was mentioned to venture out see the RIGHT COLOUR.
The pain still lingering within the walls of my soul. Am I so weak walking this earth? No.. i grow with pain shaping me into a much better person looking out thru the blurry glasses.
Woke up wore a pink pastel blouse showing the world that I am healing but spaces are required. Not seeing each other anymore did not work like magic as hoped. Turning him into a toad or a frog also failed since I was never taught the correct mixture of evilness.
Tears cried and surely... the apologies were utter to soften my heart which felt like screaming from the core... You are hateful, horrible and lots more. No I lacked the courage to say. All I did was... whispered gentle into the ears that YOU hurt me pretty bad and the scar in me is damaging to this impossible relationship.
Monday, 26 September 2011
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Part 2 of the red awakening
If red is associated to ANGER.. then i am trying to think of a colour to express my inner voice today.My inner voice said lets just pack, sell all my belongings and drive to the nearest place that I REALLY LOVE and start all OVER>
Wah! would anyone in the right mind do that?Would you? I asked myself last nite in tears.I calm myself by saying that is the very very angry monster in me waiting to be unleash.
When the sun greets me on the way to work, i much more calm maybe a hint of orange aura. At times when my students warm my heart with a sweet smile or at least do my work in class, my red fire starts to mellow bit by bit.On bad days like these.. I dress better making myself happy.Hoping that the red monster will slow turn blue...blue lighter blue then white.......CALM.
After a lovely breakfast of soya beans and green apples, I looked out of my room... beautiful tree with red flowers... so fresh and beautiful.Yet, the red monster is not at ease... WHY???? fights after fights no end no solution. Inner voice commented seek inner peace. INNER PEACE... i heard that in Kung Fu Panda 2...Do i really to take classes in Kung Fu?
Haha... my family would just rolled and died in tears of laughter if I should say that. They are so very good in twisting my words and ides which made me upset cos no one is taking the freaking mama seriously....
Wah! would anyone in the right mind do that?Would you? I asked myself last nite in tears.I calm myself by saying that is the very very angry monster in me waiting to be unleash.
When the sun greets me on the way to work, i much more calm maybe a hint of orange aura. At times when my students warm my heart with a sweet smile or at least do my work in class, my red fire starts to mellow bit by bit.On bad days like these.. I dress better making myself happy.Hoping that the red monster will slow turn blue...blue lighter blue then white.......CALM.
After a lovely breakfast of soya beans and green apples, I looked out of my room... beautiful tree with red flowers... so fresh and beautiful.Yet, the red monster is not at ease... WHY???? fights after fights no end no solution. Inner voice commented seek inner peace. INNER PEACE... i heard that in Kung Fu Panda 2...Do i really to take classes in Kung Fu?
Haha... my family would just rolled and died in tears of laughter if I should say that. They are so very good in twisting my words and ides which made me upset cos no one is taking the freaking mama seriously....
Unleash yourself
Why? Are we leashed to someone or something?
For me, I am leashed to gym and my feelings. The feelings are too much in ladies that I personally feel it clouds their mind and ability. Correct me if I am wrong. But as everyone grows, i deeply thinking that feelings are covered up .We keep everything inside waiting to explode like a bad relationship or even a bad boss that we wished that the mafia car could come and take him or her away to Nepal or even China. I would say fat hopes. Cos when the sun is up we live in the real world.
Hoe did I become a gym freak? many people and my students questioned me over this important issue.A long story in 1995. My weight was increasing with bad eating habits and a lazy life style. Cook, eat, go to work and watch telly. I basically think most ladies after having a family lived in this manner. My peak was a big 75 kg at only 35. I did not feel fat or unhappy. But when my spouse commented that my legs were as big as an elephant, it did hurt a bit. My male teacher casually said that my neck was unseen.
OMG..... a random guy said to me. Am I really that big?
The start of a gym freak
After a friendly help from a friend, I joined a gym to work out. It was REALLY tough running a treadmill that took me no way but like a fat hamster on wheels. At the beginning, I assumed running on a machine was KACANG. Old man and old aunties could do it, Why not me? My first attempted proved to be FATAL. A little after 5 minutes , I was dying and could not breathe. Oh boy, I was glad I kept on and on. Now, the machines do not scare me. I have tamed the lions of the jungle( I thought so)
Second phrase of gym
After a few kg, I was desperate.So started dumb bells. Are dumb bells dumb or vice versa?Had tips of doing this and that. Okay... i stared at guys with muscle that was so big .I wondered where do they buy them from?? My male friends from gym rolled their eyes when I bring out this issue. Pssss.. they still do.
For me, I am leashed to gym and my feelings. The feelings are too much in ladies that I personally feel it clouds their mind and ability. Correct me if I am wrong. But as everyone grows, i deeply thinking that feelings are covered up .We keep everything inside waiting to explode like a bad relationship or even a bad boss that we wished that the mafia car could come and take him or her away to Nepal or even China. I would say fat hopes. Cos when the sun is up we live in the real world.
Hoe did I become a gym freak? many people and my students questioned me over this important issue.A long story in 1995. My weight was increasing with bad eating habits and a lazy life style. Cook, eat, go to work and watch telly. I basically think most ladies after having a family lived in this manner. My peak was a big 75 kg at only 35. I did not feel fat or unhappy. But when my spouse commented that my legs were as big as an elephant, it did hurt a bit. My male teacher casually said that my neck was unseen.
OMG..... a random guy said to me. Am I really that big?
The start of a gym freak
After a friendly help from a friend, I joined a gym to work out. It was REALLY tough running a treadmill that took me no way but like a fat hamster on wheels. At the beginning, I assumed running on a machine was KACANG. Old man and old aunties could do it, Why not me? My first attempted proved to be FATAL. A little after 5 minutes , I was dying and could not breathe. Oh boy, I was glad I kept on and on. Now, the machines do not scare me. I have tamed the lions of the jungle( I thought so)
Second phrase of gym
After a few kg, I was desperate.So started dumb bells. Are dumb bells dumb or vice versa?Had tips of doing this and that. Okay... i stared at guys with muscle that was so big .I wondered where do they buy them from?? My male friends from gym rolled their eyes when I bring out this issue. Pssss.. they still do.
Red Hot Awakening
A bad nightmare. I was awaken in this bad nightmare. I felt like a victim loving someone so much yet losing the grip of the relationship.
The drama started felt so very trapped like a bird in a cage looking for an escape route. The view became blur after so long together.Tears rolled down begging for forgiveness since it helped the relationship when it wasn't my fault. I am the victim but I held on knowing that there is no happy ending in this nightmare. My soul left my body having the pain so heavy like the heart went into pieces.
After the tears and pain, no deny evil ideas and thoughts came to the mind... Hurt myself, cut him into pieces or even kill him.. Such bad karma in me.That was the evil me.... Anything is possible yet I kept all the pain and hid them somewhere in me. I even wanted to drive over my froggie on him not showed NO MERCY.
Thank God... all above mentioned was not carried out when the tears stopped and the sun came out. Another day should be much better. The head is clear. Is it?
The pain is there but a bit bearable in scale. Maybe I am a damaged goods from the humble beginning and too mentally trapped.
The drama started felt so very trapped like a bird in a cage looking for an escape route. The view became blur after so long together.Tears rolled down begging for forgiveness since it helped the relationship when it wasn't my fault. I am the victim but I held on knowing that there is no happy ending in this nightmare. My soul left my body having the pain so heavy like the heart went into pieces.
After the tears and pain, no deny evil ideas and thoughts came to the mind... Hurt myself, cut him into pieces or even kill him.. Such bad karma in me.That was the evil me.... Anything is possible yet I kept all the pain and hid them somewhere in me. I even wanted to drive over my froggie on him not showed NO MERCY.
Thank God... all above mentioned was not carried out when the tears stopped and the sun came out. Another day should be much better. The head is clear. Is it?
The pain is there but a bit bearable in scale. Maybe I am a damaged goods from the humble beginning and too mentally trapped.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Passion
A big word meaning a very strong feeling of love or enthusiasm.For me, passion is not food or shopping. I would have to declare that gym is my first love.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
Horrible experience
Most recently, my froggie was injured. In this incident, froggie was hurt when the driver decided to reverse and BANG. Hello... i horned but fell to deaf ears.He came down with his phone in one hand. I was too shaken to comprehend the incident.
Luckily, I had a male friend who was calm and settled the issue with the young man.He phoned his family to seek help.Luckily, no one was hurt but it left me shaken till today when another car comes near my froggie. Every bad incident does leave a scar in you!
Luckily, I had a male friend who was calm and settled the issue with the young man.He phoned his family to seek help.Luckily, no one was hurt but it left me shaken till today when another car comes near my froggie. Every bad incident does leave a scar in you!
Paradigm Shift
To me, these two words are too big to be used but I would prefer to use it to explain myself.Marrying a guy of my dreams was blissful at the very beginning starting a family. Soon a baby came along the way. She is my love of my life.(She is working now)
Pretty soon, patches of disagreement occur too frequent and fights over very petty things. Then followed by cold war when both parties refused to talk to each other in a house. Slowly, the silent devil took the upper hand. Down the road, we have stopped talking close to 10 years yet we existed in the same house. Madness that's what everyone around me said.Why stayed so long?
A good question which I will not be able to answer or comment.
Down the road ...after more than 10 years... I have evolved painfully. At the beginning, I questioned myself what did I do WRONG? I tried to patch up be a good wife, cooked his favourite dishes, picked after him, paid all the bills and stayed at home eventhough most of the time he was NEVER around.
At the point, I was overweight around 75 kg.I cried alot at home and even at work. I was a TOTAL wreck like a car after a horrible horrible accident.My two best friends listened and gave help. Yet, i don't think they really understood my pain and remorse towards him.
It took two random strangers that gently told me that I was a wreck and FAT. Of course, I didn't take the comment too well but it was a good WAKE up call to look into the mirror. OMG... my neck was missing and my waist line was not a line but a huge pool of FAT.Realizing it at 35 yrs old was NOT COOL.
I started exercise classes, it didn't help since I was surrounded by HAPPY married ladies in classes. Pretty soon, they were drowning me with their happy tales. I moved on to join a gym. Soon, i could clearly see my neck again. Lose a few kilo and felt better about myself. It wasn't easy and happened over night. It took the toll on me. I was always tired at home and at work. On good days, I would run 10 km on the treadmill machine. The machine gave me sanity and confident. As i ran , ran and ran, my head came clearer than the failed marriage was the fault of two. As the saying goes, it takes two to TANGO.
Slowly, my kid finished school moved on to uni and graduated . She left the nest and working in Singapore.
Now the nest is empty and I have more time to myself. I have my new friends from gym, going out for makan once in a while gave me warm sharing jokes and teasing each other.
On the other hand, IF i had begged him back, became a DOOR MAT, then i am SURE that I will still be very very unhappy with my marriage , myself and my weight.
After such a long time, I have stopped blaming myself or even him anymore, cos love died a long time ago. The BIG crack on the mirror is impossible to MEND.
Moving on, I collected myself and took control of what was left and given by God to me. Gym saved my soul and the credit goes to my gym buddies. My crazy new friends are warm and fun to be with.When we are together, we chatted about happiness and jokes. Problems are left at home.
In conclusion, when one is faced with troubled , confront them with courage and seek help.Don't be a coward like me.Failure in marriage was no means a failed life. I picked up the pieces to move on. Along the way, I used lots lots of tissue paper . Killing him did cross my mind or even tearing him into pieces.I still have such thoughts by I channelled them into my body combat classes. Slowly, it did n't seem so painfully anymore.Once, my daughter asked me"mama, you love me more or gym?" I paused and took a long time to respond.I laughed and said of course MY BABY.
The road to recovery of my heart was long, winding and painfully.No pain no GAIN. I gained myself back to be ME. I lose weight and new circle of friends and hoping one day, i will find a soul mate.( he must love gym as much as I do)
Pretty soon, patches of disagreement occur too frequent and fights over very petty things. Then followed by cold war when both parties refused to talk to each other in a house. Slowly, the silent devil took the upper hand. Down the road, we have stopped talking close to 10 years yet we existed in the same house. Madness that's what everyone around me said.Why stayed so long?
A good question which I will not be able to answer or comment.
Down the road ...after more than 10 years... I have evolved painfully. At the beginning, I questioned myself what did I do WRONG? I tried to patch up be a good wife, cooked his favourite dishes, picked after him, paid all the bills and stayed at home eventhough most of the time he was NEVER around.
At the point, I was overweight around 75 kg.I cried alot at home and even at work. I was a TOTAL wreck like a car after a horrible horrible accident.My two best friends listened and gave help. Yet, i don't think they really understood my pain and remorse towards him.
It took two random strangers that gently told me that I was a wreck and FAT. Of course, I didn't take the comment too well but it was a good WAKE up call to look into the mirror. OMG... my neck was missing and my waist line was not a line but a huge pool of FAT.Realizing it at 35 yrs old was NOT COOL.
I started exercise classes, it didn't help since I was surrounded by HAPPY married ladies in classes. Pretty soon, they were drowning me with their happy tales. I moved on to join a gym. Soon, i could clearly see my neck again. Lose a few kilo and felt better about myself. It wasn't easy and happened over night. It took the toll on me. I was always tired at home and at work. On good days, I would run 10 km on the treadmill machine. The machine gave me sanity and confident. As i ran , ran and ran, my head came clearer than the failed marriage was the fault of two. As the saying goes, it takes two to TANGO.
 |
| My baby in South Africa |
Now the nest is empty and I have more time to myself. I have my new friends from gym, going out for makan once in a while gave me warm sharing jokes and teasing each other.
On the other hand, IF i had begged him back, became a DOOR MAT, then i am SURE that I will still be very very unhappy with my marriage , myself and my weight.
After such a long time, I have stopped blaming myself or even him anymore, cos love died a long time ago. The BIG crack on the mirror is impossible to MEND.
Moving on, I collected myself and took control of what was left and given by God to me. Gym saved my soul and the credit goes to my gym buddies. My crazy new friends are warm and fun to be with.When we are together, we chatted about happiness and jokes. Problems are left at home.
In conclusion, when one is faced with troubled , confront them with courage and seek help.Don't be a coward like me.Failure in marriage was no means a failed life. I picked up the pieces to move on. Along the way, I used lots lots of tissue paper . Killing him did cross my mind or even tearing him into pieces.I still have such thoughts by I channelled them into my body combat classes. Slowly, it did n't seem so painfully anymore.Once, my daughter asked me"mama, you love me more or gym?" I paused and took a long time to respond.I laughed and said of course MY BABY.
The road to recovery of my heart was long, winding and painfully.No pain no GAIN. I gained myself back to be ME. I lose weight and new circle of friends and hoping one day, i will find a soul mate.( he must love gym as much as I do)
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| My grand nephew and a tired ME |
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