A new home

I like to think that a new home is a starting of a new life throwing away all the bitter memories, picking up all the broken pieces then up up away.
Pretty soon, I am moving out staying on my own . I know it will be tough to move from a 4 bedroom house to a small condo much much nearer to my work place.I am in the midst of painting and buying new furniture. Regardless to say, I want to start new. I am only taking my washing machine and gas tank. OMG... i forgot my clothes and all my girl's toys . I treasure them cos I felt that I have brought her to this world. I hope to pass it to my future grandchildren.( If she has any).
Why? I took a long time to ponder and i felt that It was time to move on to start my OWN LIFE> Sad to say, i felt like a prisoner whenever he was around curbing me and mostly making nasty remarks.

Killing your partner Continuation

Rectification.... The Merry Widow
Lets face it looking for lost items is tiring errand. Did I misplace under the bed ? Hmm... no... I looked everywhere. Then it struck me that this important item is gone ...

What? Am I such a terrible person to start with ? Am I so guilty?

On a serious tone, I married Lim because he gave me security. It was a false impression. If I had to image Lim as an animal, then he would be a dragon fiery- no fun and stingy to the dot. He was a couch potato watching Chinese series having life the way he liked.

As for me, I am total opposite waiting to try different times at any odd hours of the days. After 26 years of a tired marriage, worn out and damaged goods.... I wanted an exit! "Oh, that's your partner? I thought he was your father'. He should just vanished......

Part 3 : How do I hate THEE?


Point 1...stingyness


Below words are able to express how much Lim loves his money. My sister commented that he is bringing all the cash in suitcases to the next world( if it exists). Wishing him good luck  or maybe he had already sent them.


Point 2... Unnecessary comments.
How many times we wished that our partners just kept the  comments within the four walls of their heads.
No.. they have to say the wrong things at the right moment. Great! I wish I was deaf.
I will munched on my food. Are whales suddenly going to eat him? Please God tell me they do.


Point 3... Talking to walls
In the beginning of any marriage, woman loves to talk from nothing to something. I, therefore determined to talk to my partner. Yet, my attempted conversation was a failed missile in Cuba. I learnt NEVER NEVER attempt small talk with a man if newspaper, sports programme or a pretty girl is within a mile radius.
I slowly  mastered my traditional women thing of bottling it all inside and finally psychologically exploring on myself. My weight went up like a hot ballon. Food became my friend listening to me. Who ate my cheese?

My closest friends remembered my day in 2011

Point 4 .... BIRTHDAYS
My day takes the second place of TV or even a game of tennis. Of course we, women know that. But I hope that a cup of coffee and a bit of burned toast might be good.

When it was his birthday, I bought cake complete with candles. Generally,made him feel like a king.
But days or weeks before my day, I would drop hints of hoping for flowers.
'Look, I wasn't expecting a love message on balloons but a flower or two might be awesome. Instead.... he gave me a  pair of scissors and uttered these lovely words, 'Go and cut some flowers from our nearby neighbour's garden'. Should have used those scissors and stab right through the heart.... Obviously, it would made me happy.

When a women finds that the marriage is breaking down, try these options:
1. Have car to achieve freedom.
Why? By having a set of wheels is equal to freedom, to have friends outside the house. in this way, you will slowly gain back your old live. Surely now, you will want friends to share your feelings and maybe to be your partner in CRIME.....

2. Buy a mirror
Mirror.. mirror on the wall..... 
Why?????Look deep within the walls of the soul. Seek a way out. If you are heavy like I was in 1996 at a shocking 75 kg, attempt ways to shed those extra kilogram away maybe slowly you will gather your power to look good. By then, he will know you are breaking free.
The most cruel comment that was said... Excuse me your thighs are similiar to the elephnats. Hello... I didn't want to turn into a four-legged creature after 25 years of marriage.

Lines on the face --- is able to run away with a surgeon would be helpful. If not, take care of yourself from inside out. For me, I found myself after losing some weight. From a size XL to M.

3. Going for classes.. or anything....
Getting hold a gym nearby would be a good start. Sign up for personal training if you can afford. The trainers are good to look at. It helps to get some pampering. You will need them. Other than that, try the classes anything you fancy.

No friends no worry... make them in gym. Be friendly SMILE>>> show you care.

Ways of killing your partner slowly but surely Part 1

All written below is friction and should be taken lightly by any soul that read my blog......

Introduction

I lost my happiness pretty soon after a marriage with no window of escape.How can you lose happiness, you may ask. What is it, a handbag? People tend to lose things from time to time. Their tempers .. sense of humour or even their figures or minds. I couldnot find it . Trust me.... I looked for it harder than anyone and I failed badly like a kid in  school play....

Perhaps you may think that I, May , a simple soul of idiot who always misplaces things? Tend to misplace my happiness in someone's hands. It is true to say that I can find the square root of numbers without a calculator yet to find my happiness and lost my sense of security, is so below me? Haha... my kids would say that to me... a joke or a prank ?

Goodbye to KK

I came to KK with a mission to find my old school which I attended for two months in 1968. After asking a round, I was blessed to meet a friendly lady in Borneo Kopitiam who attended the same school. My old school actually moved from KK to Likas. We found the school. I was happy to see it. St Agnes... fond memory of a small girl.

I learnt a couple of things from this awesome trip:
a) do intense research from getting a good map of the place and google away .

b) renting a car was a good option for me. I drove away and my friend read the map.In this way, we were able to visit many places and saved on fares. waiting for public transport in Malaysia is a bad joke.

c) Eating out is interesting and stress free if you observe where the local eats. Do not be shy to ask for advice. They will be happy to share.If on a budget, look and study the menu. You might regret if you fail to do so.

d) Hotels... again research on line and read carefully. I had two bad experience in Tanjong Pial and Taman Negara. The toilets were like a scary movies. I always check on line and calls before I decide. I even will visit the hotels before checking in.Normally, i will inspect the room and toilets. In Malaysia nowadays, i stayed in many boutique hotels which are reasonable and clean.

e) Lastly, be preapred and have an open mind to see different places with interesting outcome. Si Padan Island ... I am coming.

Day 4 of KK

PORING HOT SPRING
Many years ago, I read an article of this place. I found it exactly like the article. Cooling place with hot water from taps. i even had a big tub to myself soaking and feeling reaaly refresh.

Next, I went to a nearby place to  see Rafflesia for RM 10. Expensive but what the heck.. I came so far.

Next destination is worth the drive from Poring to Kg Meluit near Sabah Tea Plantation. It is awesome and only Rm 5 for a free foot spa and the best time you will ever have with Kelah Fish. I personally had so such fun feeding the fish and with them nibbing at my feet. The fish is safe since they are left to swim freely in a stream flowing from Mt Kinabalu. The feeling is priceless. 

See how many fish waiting for my feet. 

They are going for the food in my palm.

100% awesome.

I discovered that in KK town, there are many roundabouts from big ones , pretty ones and even really really small ones. The little girl  is my new friend found in town .Taken near KK night market.

A beautiful view from the same point watching the sunset.

As the sunset, so was my trip to KK. I really like the people, food and mostly all the interesting experience I had.

Food in KK

I was not prepared to the food in KK. I was really impressed with the local kopitiam. SSo much cleaner than Klang . Price on the average is a bit high.

My favourite place is Borneo Coffee Museum in town. The coffee is so good that I went two days in a row. It really rocked plus trying the bread will Milo and condensed milk. What? my friend said so loudly. I had this idea that it was insane. But after the first bite, I fell in love. So taken away that I tell everyone about it.

Next lunch in Fong Im( i hope that is correct) in town too. The 3 layer cincau in picture is awesome on hot days. The fish cake in the background is good will really taste of fish . Next a must try.. the sambal chilli which will send you back to semenanjung. Pedas Gila!

This humble sauce is great but be prepared. I realised that the pedas comes from the local planted small chillies.Please try and tell me.

DINNER

Since I was with a Malay friend.. we had to eat at local halal stalls in KK nite market. We tried different stalls every nite. Be prepared to do some research first before choosing your dinner. Some stalls charge by the size of fish.. to me bad idea. Cheaper to eat at stalls that weigh and go by the kilo.

I really like the fish here so fresh and the sotong. Yes.. bad for health but then... I am on holiday.

Yummy...

Don't judge the look before trying. Crispy and good .A dinner for two is about Rm 40 to 50 per meal. I really like the paku pakis. Sweet and tender.

Ice Kacang

Here, we all have tried them. But in KK, in Tanjung Aru, I tried the Ice Kacang special. To me, it is really special cos you will find freshly cut fruits in it. Refreshing. A must try!

Last but not less, is a special yet a bit pricey to all Wantan Mee lover is WANTAN MEE SEAFOOD.... found it in Fong In for Rm 10. Be prepared that such a simple dish yet bravo to the chef.Try it.

I liked the crab meat.. sweet .

Day 3 of KK

PULAU MANUKAN

This island gave me the fondness memory but a bit expensive. On the average, it will cost RM 50 per person from boat ride, life jacket, snokerlling set and a pair of flipper which made me felt like a quakie.

Right at the jetty, I saw so many fish waiting for us. I was so excited to swim. Found a good spot and jumped into the sea. My swimming skills are bad but who cares.All the fishes were excited in me as I was with them. I saw lots of ikan bawal emas, I told myself yummy for dinner. Sorry.. no harming of fish during my trip there.

After a quick shower while waiting for the boat, I had a wonderful time enjoying free foot spa as shown. Seriously, you do not need to be a great swimmer to enjoy this. While snokerlling, I was kissed by a blue fish. Unforgettable kiss.Muck.....

Day 2 of KK

After TAMPARULI, i found my lodging for the nite in PUncak Bornoe Resort. A friend recommended the place. I did not think much of the place till you enter the restaurant. OMG..... the view is breathe taking... Mt Kinabalu right in your face... The rooms are expensive but you pay for the view.

I was told to wake up at 5.30 am to see the sunrise from the Mt. Faithfully, I did that failed to see the sun .

The view is like having this beautiful mountain at your door step.Awesome.

Breakfast at 7am. The sun is already so bright but freezing cold.

Carson Falls on my climb up . We were dressed warmly up but as the climb gets tougher, the sweater has to go. I did not complete the climb since we were not prepared mentally and physically for me. IT NO JOKE... the steps are tough but the weather is really cooling around 17C. My friend was yawning all the way up. To her, it was kacang.

Timpohon to Carson's Fall
Why am I dying here? My heart rate is high and sweating so much. The forest around was alive with birds singing and squirrels in the morning. Many porters carrying huge barang walked even faster than me. I told myself that if i were to carry the load.. I might just die here.

By the way, the porter is a male of 53 . This is the 12 water tank that he is carrying up in the month of Oct. I salute him with all my heart.We reached Pondok Ubi and decided to descend. Descending is tough on the knees. Then I really felt old.

Look at the steps. Be prepared.

Teluk Cempadak

On a dull weekend, I drove to Kuantan with my usual quiet friend. We decided to stay in a low key hotel away from town. Vivo hotel. Surprisingly, we were given a cosy room and a lovely bathroom.

Kota Kinabalu

A visit to the past of abt 44 years ago. My family and I were there briefly for two years. Sadly, when my dad died there in 1968, we left. So by going back was like opening an exposed wound. I think I was not prepared for this nostalgia.

Our bags to KK. I stuffed all my baju into a bag to save cost.

My new friend from KK.

I am truly surprised to see many changes in the town.My travelling friend warned me that KK is not that ulu as I thought it was. Right after the plane landed, we had to rush to collect my rented car. The Taxi driver was friendly. Next to our hotel for the night in Sadong Jaya near to the airport. We did extensive research on our lodging since we were on a small budget. The room was clean and only Rm 70. For dinner, we went to a nearby restaurant in Harbour city .. Kak Nong. I had a delicious bowl of meehoon soup with fish slices. Awesome due to the superb pedas chilli sauce which will have hot air from both sides of your nose. Then I had lime juice , nothing special but it came with assam boi. The taste rocked me. Now, I am hooked to this drink.

Meehoon soup with fish for RM 7.50

DAY 2
It gets quite bright here. By, 6am I found the day to be hot and started my journey again. The first place was Tamparuli  on the way to Tuaran. A small remote town with a beaytiful suspension bridge. People are friendly. Even the dogs use the bridge compared to road to cross the river. The sago kuih here is chewy and worth trying.

Notice how high the bridge.

Not long, I arrived Kundasang around noon. The kids were walking to school in sweater. Be prepared when the wind blows , it can get cold like Genting Highlands. I visited the Kundasang Memorial. The memorial is to commemorate the fallen soldiers in WW II. But, the place is like a garden with all the beautiful roses in different shades of colour from the usual red to white roses.

SETBACK

Setback in lifes are so common that we tend to blame everyone and everything. I am no exception to this. As years go by, i look at the big picture that God sent me small tests to make me a better mother, person and as a friend.

Looking back, I was not a good daughter too twisted in my marriage that I did not want to listen to advise. If I really really had, would life be better now? Surely , God will test me again in other aspects.Knowing that life comes on, I try to take these test and hope to come out a better person.

Being an educator after many years, i was calm and it took me an angel to touch me to realize that we need to learn from setbacks. We spend hours talking( I did most of it), the angel gave advise that opened my heart and soul to ponder that life is worth going on.

In exchange, we learnt to grow together from student- teacher relationship, we became friends. For me, I gain so much from a hot- tempered old woman to a calm teacher that took time to smile with my students. I even took nasty remarks with a smile. I handle such nasty people with a smile hoping that GOD will chew their ass off.( If that is possible,... Pls God).


After seven years, we are friends. My angel has graduated with an second- class upper. 

Freedom

Driven by the desire to create new possibilities in life, I am breaking out from a partnership of 26 yrs. Why did it take me so long?

For those who think badly of me, I offer no apologises. As I recall the 26 yrs of this union, I was never happy even from the beginning. Being  limited at home, it curb my happiness just a bird in a cage which refused to sing. Like a garden left unattended surely even weeds refused to grow .

In the darkest moment, I felt like taking my life away. Talking to friends did not help instead, I was laughed at . They did not understand my pain so twisted in my soul.I thought by sharing, they will provide a shoulder to cry on.They assumed that I brought problems to work and not mature enough to handle. No.. i didnot want their advise but ears. How fake they were. An experience which I regretted. As I moved on to new environment, I kept numb not telling much abt the failed marriage but It was bottled up. After so many yrs, I have grown to be a mature person handing my problems wisely ... a living proof that problems are better left at home.

In 2012, i pray to God that I will lead a happier life leaving him, the house and starting ALL over by myself.

Shifting out

Omg... I have been staying in this hse for nearly 30 decades. Moving out is my choice of trying to be independant so call to start all over. I have been the sole bread earner to my kid which many people failed to understand me including my family. I have played my part of an obedient wife from washing, cooking and even having a baby 23 yrs ago.

I have thrown all my remorsity out the window with all the shed tears leaving me a damaged goods that refused to look deep into my soul. As the age increases, so did the patience to wait for the kid to move on with her life leaving the nest to another country trying out her luck. I gave all my blessing knowing that I cannot tie her round me. The bird has to fly high and soar seeking new experience.

I am thankful on days that she calls home reminding that she still loves me , thinking of me. My life has to go on. I want fresh start away from all the old memories. From a hse of 4 rooms to a small condo with 2 rooms should be a nightmare to any human on earth. I will struggle to manage the packing all my memories into boxes. Mostly, I want to be on my own since many many times in these years, I have been called not so good names by him from a bitch to a WHORE. To make the matter worse, He even said to my family members that I am equal to a Geyland WHORE. No, i took many deep deep breathe and told myself to rise higher than him. He is not worth my love.Despite all the bitterness, in the depth of my heart, I felt like saying that all the money you have in the world, you will grow old alone. No money will be able to buy my love again what the respect that I had.

Bitterness are still lingering within the walls of my soul. Time will wash away all these remarks. I will hold my head high and remind myself that I have done good.AMEN......

Next Epic sage of my disappointment journey

Thank God, I saw the sunshine on my way to work. My phone rang last nite. I pretended that I have gone deaf not wanting to talk of this disappointment. Such pain that I will keep in me not telling HIM OFF!(psss... fingers showing are not allowed)

I am such a doofy keeping inside like a dam waiting to explore.

Great disappointment

So sad that on your 50th day, the person who is close to my heart felt that work was much much greater than spending the day with me.

I am speechless till now trying my best not to show the hurt. Okay.. its just any ordinary day but turning 50 is a BIG deal to me. How I wish that I am able to slap the daylights out this person. If I could.. trust me I WILL do it.
Thank god.... tomorrow the sun will be up and I tell myself that what goes around come around.

Maybe I should face the fact that MAYBE I am NOT that important .

Counting candles

Coming Thursday, the candles will be too much for the cake to bear. What more me who have to blow all them away. How I wish that I could blow all the pain and suffering that I am going through. My wishful thinking. Maybe I should learn to be grateful that there are more candles to blow and having loved ones nearby.

In a puff, ( A BIG ONE) the candles diminished then my heart will say ... pls let this day pass fantastic fast like a speed car in a hot race. Then I will embrace myself by reminding me ... come on it is just an increasing number but with a little help maybe. just maybe I will try to slow it down .

Bohemian

I am trying this new word to explain the metamorphosis of my teaching career from 1985 till today .Teaching was not my choice at all when I started my degree in University Malaya. The four years were filled with disco crazy days to cramping for exams.Looking back now, I would never never trade in those wild days to anything now.
In my first year, stayed in First College. Mingled with many new friends from all over Malaysia. Having crushes on guys were nothing new. Eating maggie mee in the middle of the nite after studies were awesome.Sitting in the quiet night with girlfriends chit chatting away was fun and cheap since mamak shops have not existed then. Picking up bad habits were cool from nescafe , bad words and smoking were  trying. New friends were made in those years moving a gang. The whole gang of us majored in maths. Good days were spend on lunch time laughing away . There were days that shoulders were required when hearts were broken into pieces. We needed each other so far away from home.

Boys... boys... some started dating guys that you like but he does not like you. Admiring good looking ones from a distance too shy to even say hello.Fell in love and out of love too many times.

My first  teaching school was in my hometown. After being alone for more than 4 years, I stayed with my family. It was tough since I was so free doing what I like and NOW cooped in my small hometown. It actually made the decision worse.My inner happiness were compromised. I wanted to move on. The first school was relaxing and had fun with kampung students. I enjoyed mine one year there in Pasir Mas.

Next was teaching in Klang and having a family.The school was a Chinese medium.My students were hard working and good. Since I am totally English educated and teaching Maths and English were nightmares. My students assumed that since I am yellow.. therefore I am able to speak Mandarin. Oh boy.. they were shocked that I could only managed TWO languages: English and Malay. One day, my form 5 boy walked right up to me and asked~ Are you a Chinese? Right in my face. 'Why can't you speak Mandarin?'. I was too shocked yet the truth hurt like being hit by a BIG brick. I don't recall if I apologised but I took it as a challenge to learn from anyone to speak. It took quite a long time to get the hang of it . 


Today, I am proud to say that I can speak a bit here and there with a bit of twist.


After 6 years in Chinese environment, I moved to a culture shock background of a kampung school in Meru. Where is that? A small cowboy town 11 km away with many traffic lights.I spent 14 yrs teaching English then later moved to Maths.Back then, Meru was a small town moving on with lovely trees along the stretch leading to the small traffic light. My school was after a shabby bridge waiting to collapse at a blow.Teaching English to Javese students were like speaking moon language to aliens. Slowly, I learnt their culture and religion. Mostly, I picked  up my Malay and Javese. Now, I know how to use the word GOBLOK. According my student who uttered this in my English class.' Sorry teacher... Goblok mean CLEVER'. OMG! I still smile whenever I use this word.Things that we learnt from them.

In 2005, still in Meru, I was giving 4F to teach Maths. A class of 38 boys and girls which did badly in Maths in PMR. Oh boy, i had to prepare them for SPM where Maths is even tougher and boring.Some of the boys came to school with rage, anger growing up in a hostile situation. Giving me more stress to handle them yet at the same time, I started to grow internally understanding students and learn to listen to them.

Crossed Path in Meru
In the hey days of a troubled marriage, my students drifted in and out of my class since I was trying to come to term of a failed marriage . Then one particular soul walked into my class and CHANGED me till today.


This student failed so badly in my test leaving me so many questions to gun him down.On my way home after the gunning down, i was caught in a jam in Meru. While driving I saw a boy trying to cross the road. I said to myself where have I seen this FACE?
After a few days, while in 4F, I saw the face again. I exclaimed to him.. I saw you in Meru. In my heart, I was angry with myself that I don't recognise my own student. I am TERUK>. All these time , he was actually sitting in 4F right under my nose.

 I took him under my wing. Making him stay back after school, trying basic maths. I struggled to help him to improve his maths with a goal in mind that he will make in university. Yet, he lacked the basic skills of maths. Homework is given but the next day, it is untouched. He struggled to follow my rhythm, so I had to slow down and followed him. There were good days that he could do but on bad days, I felt like chopping up the brain to pieces to see what was in it.

To him it was a battle having his feeling in a BIG cocoon which I had to peel by sitting next to him afternoons after afternoons guiding him from easy calculus to SPM questions. Day in and out, he ate more maths questions compared to anyone on this planet. Bravo.. He scored A2 for his SPM. Continued his studies in UPNM. Just last Monday , he graduated with a Second Upper.As his Maths teacher, I am still very proud of him.Keep it Adi!

 Currently, I am teaching a girls school in Klang. Most of the girls are nice. Along the way, you will get one or two odd ones but I have accepted them.Since, I myself too evolved from a terrible teacher to be a better listening to my kids. I learnt to laugh with them in happy moments and cried in my darkest times in class. In 2009, I broke down in my class, crying my heart away. My girls gave a packet of tissue paper and closed the doors. they sat in their places with no noise sensing that the poor teacher needed time.


In the same year, a girl accidentally threw a shotput into a my face leaving 2 stitches in the Stadium. A girl in random gave a small handkerchief to stop the blood. I did not have the chance to thank the random stranger. The handkerchief is still kept in my room. Reminding me that it is tough to be a teacher but there are good days leaving foot prints in my heart.

50

No... I am not turning 50 soon. I am too young to be called an auntie. My hair and my body are in good condition.. I sound like a car.

My closest friend said that I am half a century .. so old. I have to agree when I am unwell or too tired.My inner feelings of 50 is like a fruit salad.. a sweet dish consisting of small pieces of different life experience from childhood to adulthood.Marriage came and went... so very fast. I will have tons to write
but at fifty, i choose to see goodness in every possible situation which allowed me to have inner strength and joy.I am trying my best to be at heart of who I am.

I have LEARNT:
a) to spread kindness and smile

b) Be WHO I am REALLY.

c) Enjoy what i am doing in gym and Zumba. YIPEE!

d)Try my best NOT to Dwell on the past of unhappiness.

e)Try not to harbour grudges and find  a way to move forward( SUSAH LO)

In conclusion... turning 50 is tough but I think all the bullshit is gone... I will embrace it with an open heart and mind.

Part 4 Red awakening

The SCAR

I must say that I find it so very difficult to forgive but I just bury the pain down in. The danger: words are left unsaid causing more pain.

How ever the other party tries his best to soften my heart from going to Malacca to eat my fave chendol and assam fish, i cannot move on. Easy to say but action is tougher .....TRUST ME.

Why is that woman finds it so difficult to move on? Picking up all the small pieces of pain and frustration is not healing but hiding all the agony. Without fail, I tell myself to be strong when the sun is up.

Part 3 Red awakening

The tears are dried and tons of tissue are used. Was it necessary or just a charade? Who was right me or you?
My colour is no longer red... a few tones lighter after the weekend from the house and problems. Maybe an escape was mentioned to venture out see the RIGHT COLOUR.

The pain  still lingering within the walls of my soul. Am I so weak walking this earth? No.. i grow with pain shaping me into a much better person looking out thru the blurry glasses.
Woke up wore a pink pastel blouse showing the world that I am healing but spaces are required. Not seeing each other anymore did not work like magic as hoped. Turning him into a toad or a frog also failed since I was never taught the correct mixture of evilness.

Tears cried and surely... the apologies were utter to soften my heart which felt like screaming from the core... You are hateful, horrible and lots more. No I lacked the  courage to say. All I did was... whispered gentle into the ears that YOU hurt me pretty bad and the scar in me is damaging to this impossible relationship.

Part 2 of the red awakening

If red is associated to ANGER.. then i am trying to think of a colour to express my inner voice today.My inner voice said lets just pack, sell all my belongings and drive to the nearest place that I REALLY LOVE and start all OVER>
 Wah! would anyone in the right  mind do that?Would you? I asked myself last nite in tears.I calm myself by saying that is the very very angry monster in me waiting to be unleash.
When  the sun greets me on the way to work, i much more calm maybe a hint of orange aura. At times when my students warm my heart with a sweet smile or at least do my work in class, my red fire starts to mellow bit by bit.On bad days like these.. I dress better making myself happy.Hoping that the red monster will slow turn blue...blue lighter blue then white.......CALM.


After a lovely breakfast of soya beans and green apples, I looked out of my room... beautiful tree with red flowers... so fresh and beautiful.Yet, the red monster is not at ease... WHY???? fights after fights no end no solution. Inner voice commented seek inner peace. INNER PEACE... i heard that in Kung Fu Panda 2...Do i really to take classes in Kung Fu?


Haha... my family would just rolled and died in tears of laughter if I should say that. They are so very good in twisting my words and ides which made me upset cos no one is taking the freaking mama seriously....

Unleash yourself

                             Why? Are we leashed to someone or something?
For me, I am leashed to gym and my feelings. The feelings are too much in ladies that I personally feel it clouds their mind and ability. Correct me if I am wrong. But as everyone grows, i deeply thinking that feelings are covered up .We keep everything inside waiting to explode like a bad relationship or even a bad boss that we wished that the mafia car could come and take him or her away to Nepal or even China. I would say fat hopes. Cos when the sun is up we live in the real world.
Hoe did I become a gym freak? many people and my students questioned me over this important issue.A long story in 1995. My weight was increasing with bad eating habits and a lazy life style. Cook, eat, go to work and watch telly. I basically think most ladies after having a family lived in this manner. My peak was a big 75 kg at only 35. I did not feel fat or unhappy. But when my spouse commented that my legs were as big as an elephant, it did hurt a bit. My male teacher casually said that my neck was unseen.
OMG..... a random guy said to me. Am I really that big?

The start of a gym freak
After a friendly help from a friend, I joined a gym to work out. It was REALLY tough running a treadmill that took me no way but like a fat hamster on wheels. At the beginning, I assumed running on a machine was KACANG. Old man and old aunties could do it, Why not me? My first attempted proved to be FATAL. A little after 5 minutes , I was dying and could not breathe. Oh boy, I was glad I kept on and on. Now, the machines do not scare me. I have tamed the lions of the jungle( I thought so)

Second phrase of gym
After a few kg, I was desperate.So started dumb bells. Are dumb bells dumb or vice versa?Had tips of doing this and that. Okay... i stared at guys with muscle that was so big .I wondered where do they buy them from?? My male friends from gym rolled their eyes when I bring out this issue. Pssss.. they still do.

Red Hot Awakening

A bad nightmare. I was awaken in this bad nightmare. I felt like a victim loving someone so much yet losing the grip of the relationship.
The drama started felt so very trapped like a bird in a cage looking for an escape route. The view became blur after so long together.Tears rolled down begging for forgiveness since it helped the relationship when it wasn't my fault. I am the victim but I held on knowing that there is no happy ending in this nightmare. My soul left my body having the pain so heavy like the heart went into pieces.

After the tears and pain, no deny evil ideas and thoughts came to the mind... Hurt myself, cut him into pieces or even kill him.. Such bad karma in me.That was the evil me.... Anything is possible yet I kept all the pain and hid them somewhere in me. I even wanted to drive over my froggie on him not showed NO MERCY.

Thank God... all above mentioned was not carried out when the tears stopped and the sun came out. Another day should be much better. The head is clear. Is it?
 The pain is there but a bit bearable in scale. Maybe I am a damaged goods from the humble beginning and too mentally trapped.

Passion

A big word meaning a very strong feeling of love or enthusiasm.For me, passion is not food or shopping. I would have to declare that gym is my first love.

Horrible experience

Most recently, my froggie was injured. In this incident, froggie was hurt when the driver decided to reverse  and BANG. Hello... i horned but fell to deaf ears.He came down with his phone in one hand. I was too shaken to comprehend the incident.

 Luckily, I had a male friend who was calm and settled the issue with the young man.He phoned his family to seek help.Luckily, no one was hurt but it left me shaken till today when another car comes near my froggie. Every bad incident does leave a scar in you!

Paradigm Shift

To me, these two words are too big to be used but I would prefer to use it to explain myself.Marrying a guy of my dreams was blissful at the very beginning starting a family. Soon a baby came along the way. She is my love of my life.(She is working now)

Pretty soon, patches of disagreement occur too frequent and fights over very petty things. Then followed by cold war when both parties refused to talk to each other in a house. Slowly, the silent devil took the upper hand. Down the road, we have stopped talking close to 10 years yet we existed in the same house. Madness that's what everyone around me said.Why stayed so long?


A good question which I will not be able to answer or comment.

Down the road ...after more than 10 years... I have evolved painfully. At the beginning, I questioned myself what did I do WRONG? I tried to patch up be a good wife, cooked his favourite dishes, picked after him, paid  all the bills and stayed at home eventhough most of the time he was NEVER around.

 At the point, I was overweight around 75 kg.I cried alot at home and even at work. I was a TOTAL wreck like a car after a horrible horrible accident.My two best friends listened and gave help. Yet, i don't think they really understood my pain and remorse towards him.

 It took two random strangers that gently told me that I was a wreck and FAT. Of course, I didn't take the comment too well but it was a good WAKE up call to look into the mirror. OMG... my neck was missing and my waist line was not a line but a huge pool of FAT.Realizing it at 35 yrs old was NOT COOL.

I started exercise classes, it didn't help since I was surrounded by HAPPY married ladies in classes. Pretty soon, they were drowning me with their happy tales. I moved on to join a gym. Soon, i could clearly see my neck again. Lose a few kilo and felt better about myself. It wasn't easy and happened over night. It took the toll on me. I was always tired at home and at work. On good days, I would run 10 km on the treadmill machine. The machine gave me sanity and confident. As i ran , ran and ran, my head came clearer than the failed marriage was the fault of two. As the saying goes, it takes two to TANGO.

My baby in South Africa 

Slowly, my kid finished school moved on to uni and graduated . She left the nest and working in Singapore.
Now the nest is empty and I have more time to myself. I have my new friends from gym, going out for makan once in a while gave me warm sharing jokes and teasing each other.
On the other hand, IF i had begged him back, became a DOOR MAT, then i am SURE that I will still be very very unhappy with my marriage , myself and my weight.
After such a long time, I have stopped blaming myself or even him anymore, cos love died a long time ago. The BIG crack on the mirror is impossible to MEND.

Moving on, I collected myself and took control of what was left and given by God to me. Gym saved my soul and the credit goes to my gym buddies. My crazy new friends are warm and fun to be with.When we are together, we chatted about happiness and jokes. Problems are left at home.

In conclusion, when one is faced with troubled , confront them with courage and seek help.Don't be a coward like me.Failure in marriage was no means a failed life. I picked up the pieces to move on. Along the way, I used lots lots of tissue paper . Killing him did cross my mind or even tearing him into pieces.I still have such thoughts by I channelled them into my body combat classes. Slowly, it did n't seem so painfully anymore.Once, my daughter asked me"mama, you love me more or gym?" I paused and took a long time to respond.I laughed and said of course MY BABY.

The road to recovery of my heart was long, winding and painfully.No pain no GAIN. I gained myself back to be ME. I lose weight and new circle of friends and hoping one day, i will find a soul mate.( he must love gym as much as I do)

My grand nephew and a tired ME

Lumut and Pangkor

The owner is in blue.

The last time, I came here was more than 30 years ago with my uni friends. Pangkor was different , Last week, I was there with my faithfully friend. We stayed in Anjung in Teluk Nipah. Rented a scooter from the jetty and rode on a small machine with our luggage. Luckily, she was a good driver . I was more afraid than her. I enjoyed the cold breeze up the hilly slope leading to anjung.

Walking distance from Anjung

14 year old guide. His driving skill is awesome.

First time I was near to durians waiting to be eaten. Yummy




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Beautiful sunset in Pangkor

daddy's cafe beachfront

see... reachable.

Aung is a quite peaceful away from the town. The best part was the beach is in front and a lovely makan place nearby for dinner... Daddy's cafe.The view from this cafe is priceless cos it is beach front. As you eat, you can hear the waves rushing to the shore. Furthermore, the cafe is litted with cute oil- lamp at nite. You will not miss it.I have to say that the food is a bit pricey compared to local stalls nearby but the view is omp.

Lunch for 2
As for lunch, many local stalls are available, you must try the local fresh fish   right from the sea. My lunch was only RM9 for two of us. In this lovely place, i seriously prefer fish.


Next... stop a durian plantation on a small scale next to a temple. It was by accident that I found the place. After, offering my prayer to the local temple, I sat durian trees. Took a short walk there. The owner is a very friendly guy. He sold us last durian since it was already late in the evening. I must say  .. I am NO durian lover at all. The last durian that I had was 30 years ago. After all the pursue, I tried. It was yummy cos it was bitter and sweet. We were invited to visit again the next morning. He promised us that he will have better ones . Truly, we went back after breakfast, we were too happy to see that he was waiting for us. Again, we ate delicious durians right from the tree.


After that, we went to a nearby island.. Coral Island to do some snokerlling, my guide is a local boy of 14 years old. He is so expert with the boat that made me think .. he was born in the sea. Faisal is his name. I enjoyed the sea very much. It is good to be in the open sea. Had the chance to feed fish with bread. The fish just ate from our hands.
Apart from the beach and durian, I must say that i enjoyed the local satay fish which is fresh but bad for the diet.
In conclusion: a nearby place from Selangor to relax and try fresh fish and durian. The people in Pangkor is friendly and helpful.

Eating

A must during Chinese New Year - Sticky cake

Eating is most Malaysian pastime. As for me,I do enjoy food.Every Chinese New Year, my sister will prepare this dish to be eaten for breakfast. It is awesomely sweet and extremely bad for diet cos it is deep fried with a coat of batter. Yummy!

Prawn fritters
Next , my daughter's all time love is this dish during Chinese New Year. Again, this is a deadly dish to be avoided if you are on diet since it is deep fried with a coat of batter.

Awesome Tomyam Soup in Kuala Rompin

Fish
I basically loved fish from young till now. My family used to say that my last life, I must have been a cat. This dish is my favourite and I prefer spicy fish cooked in any manner . Another dish that is worth saying is seafood tomyam soup in Kuala Rompin sold in a wooden hut next to a chalet. The soup looked harmless at first but after a few spoonful of it will spice up your nose then your brain. The lala in it is so fresh and sweet, AWESOME.

A simple meal and so very yummy with fresh seafood for only RM35.

Tanjung Lumpur out of Kuantan offers good seafood with a reasonable price in Ana restaurant. On weekends, make sure go early cos the place is really packed. Customers are allowed to select the fish and the manner to be cooked. When you are there, try the sotong goreng tepung and teh sweet sour fish. I seriously like the fish. Crisp and FRESH.

Malaysian loved this breakfast. It is so most that it crosses all border. This is taken in Taiping. I liked the sambal cos it is cooked with salted fish. Nice.

Curry puff and keropok eaten in a coffee shop in Kuantan. The keropok with chilli sauce is a good tea time break.

A simple lunch in Pekan Nenas, Johor recently. It is in a stall along the main road. I really liked the assam fish. Rm 9.00 for two. Try it.

ROJAK BUAH

My all time favourite . This is from Jonker Street in Malacca. I can eat the whole dish by myself easilly plus the beautiful Chendol to go with it.

Chicken Rice has gone international. I like the stall in Klang.